Blue Funk of International Adoption

aka...the suckiness

There are ups & downs in every part of life and if there wasn't, well...we would all be a bit bland wouldn't we? International adoption is no exception and is fundamentally the big unknown. It's that unknown part of IA that can make your head spin because it is so foreign (no pun intended) to us.

Eastern Africa, the Ethiopian population specifically, is currently facing significant hardship. This is a bold statement considering the customary standard of living endured by Ethiopians. Droughts are in their fifth year. Cattle are dying due to dried up watering holes. Crops can't endure the climate change. So where are families getting their food? nutrition? water? income? and the list goes on. One thing I read that I wouldn't have realized is a side-effect of the drought is conflict. Because families depend on their cattle & crops for both food and income, it is not uncommon for families losing their cattle & crops, to pillage others which in turn creates great conflict within the communities.

"This is the worst humanitarian crisis Oxfam has seen in east Africa for over ten years," Paul Smith Lomas, Oxfam's East Africa Director, said in a statement. source: NY Times

Our entrance into this new world of IA officially began in 2/09. After eight months, I still consider us newbies with so much room for growth. Reports like this from worldwide news outlets make me think in very selfish terms, "Based on our timeframe, I think our baby has been conceived. What in the world is his birth mother eating, drinking, feeding him? How is she getting proper nutrients? Am I being naive when I think/hope she isn't affected by this drought? The reports say the entire country is in the midst of it." And then I stop or I will simply self-induce a panic moment causing my head to explode. So, I rationalize - this is the unknown that we signed on for and as much as I don't like it, it is completely out of my hands right now.

The other Blue Funk moment this week is that courts did not reopen on 9/28 as planned. The rainy season ended (ironic, considering the 5 year drought. I still don't get it myself but am researching it.) but the courts are conducting a training session for two weeks which will keep courts closed through 10/9. Agencies will be announcing the reopening as they receive updates from the federal government. Our thoughts go out to the families who had a 10/5 court date.

Okay, so enough Doom & Gloom. I'm not a fan.

I've done my fair share of research; learning about others' experiences with IA. I've heard and read things that gave me goosebumps - both the good & the not-so-good; experiences from both birth parents and adoptive parents to be. It is rough. It is joyous. It is at times unsettling while being the most exciting venture of your life. The only definitive of IA is that is the unkown.

I'll simply conclude this by saying that IA is not for the weak.

We are now #12!!!

I gasped yesterday and went into full blog stalking mode as I read Tam's post. It referenced all the referrals & movement on the unofficial Wait List. I had no idea! Normally, I follow the Yahoo Ethiopia/Gladney group to find out about families receiving their referrals. I don't check the FBI (the unofficial list) regularly. That is certainly changing.

Last week I noticed a very long lull on the Yahoo group and wondered if something was up with my computer. How can nobody be posting? It turns out I missed a whole lot...Rebecca & Colin got "The Call" for a 7 week old girl, Robyn received a referral for a 2.5 month old little boy, Shawn accepted their referral of a 2 month old little girl and another family got "The Call" for their 10 month old little girl (they don't have a blog).

I posted their links so everyone else can check out "The Call" posts. They are my absolute favorite of this whole process. "The Call" post is the one that describes the moment the waiting family receives their referral call from their caseworker. No matter who you are, it seems to turn your world upside down with utter bliss. So much so, that it seems most families forget every detail once the caseworker says "I have a referral for you. Are you near a computer?".

We're sending a huge congratulations to all of you who just received your referrals and wishing you a quick court process to get over there and bring your babies home.

Now we just need Heidi & Mark to get their call for their siblings. Siblings can take a little longer, but they've been sitting at the #1 spot for quite some time and we're all rooting for this week to be the one. I can't imagine what we'll be like at that spot, based on how anxious I already am for another family. Between Facebook, her blog and the Yahoo group - we're all checking in daily for their news. Isn't the internet a wonderful thing?

Jack & The Dinosaur

Some little tidbits will be thrown into this blog that have nothing to do with adoption, but more to do with either family or simply a current event in NYC (or the world). We'll definitely be creating a Life Book for our new baby, but with technology making things so easy, we may be able to capture a more complete story for him by including our family blog along with his Life Book.

It seems like we're always celebrating a birthday in our family. Yesterday was my sister's...Happy Birthday Mandie!!! And a big congratulations on her recent wedding in Jamaica. We'll be seeing them all this next weekend for the reception. Can't wait!

Next up on the birthday list is our nephew, Jack, who will be four very soon. We have the pleasure of his company this weekend, as he'll be spending the night with us tonight after his soccer game today. The inspiration for the dinosaur?

His mother's Facebook posts last week:

Mommy to Jack: "Jack, you need to wash your hands."

Jack to Mommy: "I also NEED a dinosaur."

Next morning...

Mommy to Jack: "Good morning Jack. How are you today?"

Jack to Mommy: "The same. I still don't have a dinosaur."

That's the moment Operation Dinosaur began for Aunt Tam & Uncle Kai. And voila!

Now, I only hope his reaction is what I've built it up to be in my head! Stay tuned.

Off to the gym now. (yes, I'm still plugging away on that venture)

Court Dates, School & Ace Frehley

Happy Friday to All! I'm in SUCH a great mood for many reasons.

We tuned in last night to our agency's monthly conference call and heard some amazing information. (We're always one day behind because the day/time the call goes live, we're at work). I must preface this by saying that words can not describe how pleased, encouraged, proud, humbled by and inspired I am with our agency.

The first bit of great news is that the rainy season is coming to an end and courts are expected to open next week. YAY!!! That should equate to a lot more movement regarding referrals & court dates which of course lead to travel dates. Yes.

So, back to our agency call - I'm very active in the online international adoption forums; those specific to Ethiopia and well beyond. There is plenty of negative talk right now regarding the topic of corruption, which I am not informed enough to discuss intelligently so I won't. What I will say, as an adoptive parent is that it's all a bit unsettling - especially when you're not informed. These people do it for a living. We're adopting one child, one time. What do we know?

Enter: our agency and *huge sigh of relief*

Every allegation floating around out there right now was addressed on the monthly call and more. The "and more" part is what I applauded. They took the extra step to explain things happening behind the scenes, making it that much more transparent for us. Us being all the adoptive parents out there who have so much riding in their hands right now. We couldn't be more pleased. I took three pages of notes during the call and when it ended...It's rare, but Kai & I kind of just stared at each other. We were speechless. This is good.

So that was last night. This morning was another meeting with a local school. LOVED them. We're getting closer to knowing what we're actually looking for. Yes, we realize we're still a bit away from school but again, it's so key in our area to have a shortlist or you may end up with no choice at all.

And on a much lighter note...what does a girl throw on in the morning when your 9am is with the #1 choice for your child's school and your 12pm meeting at work is with the guitarist from KISS (Ace Frehley)? HA! I know...my job is kind of weird, but it's loads of fun & I wouldn't have it any other way!

Tam & Ace

Bring on The Crazy Part One

No, not the dude currently speaking at the U.N. (are you seeing this live coverage?) He's taken crazy to a whole new level! I've visited Auschwitz. Are you kidding me??? I don't have enough time in my day to take him seriously so I choose to laugh. Wow.

So anyway, the crazy I'm referring to is moi and the realization that our wait time has wormed its way into my subconscious to a ridiculous level. It was a profound moment in the A/C filter aisle at Home Depot when this revelation came to light.

Kai & I don't have a car because where we live it's more of a nuisance than a luxury or convenience. We are all about the ZipCar (an hourly rental system created in urban areas for people who don't own cars but need to hit IKEA on occasion). Personally, I think we are single-handedly keeping the Jersey City franchise in business.

And when one grabs a ZipCar your to-do list multiplies exponentially because you're in the mindset of "We're in a car for four hours!!!! Let's go get lots of STUFF." That's the rule and we abide well.

On our last ZipCar trip to Home Depot to buy an A/C filter we became very overwhelmed. This is only the second summer in our new condo and we're still working out the kinks as home-owners. The need to replace our A/C filter took a minute to get on our radar. We now know this is a requirement and can be done from $3 a pop to $24.

And this is when it happened. When reading the fine print of the pricier pieces I saw that among all the 'green' they do, they also last three months. This is fabulous news because if we buy three, our next trip to Home Depot is nine months from now. Ding Ding Ding... That's our wait time!

1 A/C filter = 1/3 Wait Time

It also means the next time we reserve a ZipCar with the memo line listed as "Home Depot", we can be expecting our call!!!

Is it wrong to equate our wait time with simple home maintenance?

Yes, Crazy Part One.

However, I'm looking forward to Part Two because it means we're one step closer.

I was Tagged

Before I even start this, I must apologize for taking eons to get around to my tagging replies. Heidi tagged me and then when I fell asleep on the job, Tam re-tagged me. It's a great way for everyone to take their minds off the issues at hand and also get to know each other.

My list consists of seven very light-hearted things about myself rather than anything too deep. I'm sure there will be plenty of time for the deep, dark & crazy side to come out as times get trying along the way. So here goes...

1. I like to keep our Christmas dishes handy all year. They’re a great way to make a humdrum Monday night dinner after a long day at work feel a bit more festive :)

2. I was called Rainbow Bright (among other things) by my oh-so-kind classmates in Jr. High when I dyed my hair orange, pink and purple. I should have listened to my mother and waited for a holiday break in order to get used to it, but instead I insisted on doing it on a Tuesday night after track practice with Beatrice. I was shocked by the response, thinking “How can they not think this is fabulous?” HA! (p.s. We had one red light where I grew up – no McDonalds, no movie theatres, no designer shops. This may help put things in perspective.)

3. I’m still in contact with my three best friends from second grade. We’re all spread out, leading very different lives but last year we made a point of having a girls weekend, which will hopefully continue. I’m also in touch with my first two friends from FIT whom I discovered Europe with for the first time (hence the never-fading travel bug). They’re all friendships that hold a special place, no matter how many more friends you meet later in life.

4. I have an unfortunate habit of getting locked in random places while traveling. To name a few…a fishing boat bathroom in Iceland, a dressing room in Rome, a bathroom in Tokyo and lastly, a bathroom along the Seine in Paris (this rescue mission topped the half hour mark). No idea.

5. A pet peeve: hearing the word literally being used incorrectly.

6. Method Man was filming his ‘Bring tha Pain” video in the courtyard of the apartment building I then shared with three roommates (one who was involved in the shoot). Unbeknownst to me, while I was out my closet became extra storage for the shoot. I awoke the next morning to a man standing at the foot of my bed staring at me. Now, at this time in my life I was NOT a morning person…I not-so-nicely asked “Who are you and what are you doing in my room?” I then stopped short, “Method Man?” He laughed and I continued my tirade as he left. I locked the door behind him and went back to sleep, waking later thinking it was all a dream. I laugh now whenever I hear anything WuTang related.

7. My name was suppose to be StarShine. Thank you dad for stepping in on that one! I still owe you.

And for those I'm tagging...I chose the newer families on the unofficial wait list. Welcome to the group!

Enright Family
Brian & Tracy
Travis & Shannon
Little Hoffman
Road to Adoption
Ted & Lori
Middlerageously

Movin' On Up

We've bumped up two spots on the unoffical wait list and now proudly hold the spot of lucky number 13. Yay!

The next monthly conference call with our agency is 9/23. These calls are so informative. Each month they focus on a different topic, always kicking off with what everyone wants to know - the current wait times!

Right now we're still looking at seven'ish more months of waiting for our referral. Depending on the day, the wait can seem so far away that I can't get my head around it yet on another day it feels like we're right around the corner from starting our family.

Today was the latter type of day. I walked out of the office tonight with my boss, who had just received a call from her husband asking if she's leaving work at a normal time. He and their son were headed to the San Genarro feast in Little Italy and wanted her to meet up with them. (for those not familiar with this, it is an annual feast featuring every Italian food you can imagine on the sidewalks & streets of Little Italy - attracting 1 million people each year)

That's when I realized, wow. Next year at this time that could be us. Now granted, the SG feast is absolute chaos and not the ideal environment for a child who is still bonding with his parents. The point being, in theory we will be a family of three next year making our Friday night plans which will in turn become solid family memories for our new baby. Wow.

We are honored to be #13 and we are ready.

What to do during The Wait?

Our first two months on the Wait List have passed fairly quickly. I think a lot is due to our timing falling at the end of summer when we both tend to have hearty calendars. So as we move into the fall and winter, we'll be hunkering down with eyes & minds fixated on those ahead of us on the unofficial wait list. It's standard practice for those in the early wait (like us) to root and cheer for those at the top of the list as they receive their referrals, court dates and the best part...travel dates to pick up the kiddies.

It is any day now that our very first blog friend will receive their referral for siblings. ANY day! That means carrying your cell everywhere you go at every moment of the day awaiting the 817 area code to appear. No matter where I am, I will be letting out a joyous scream for them when I read they got 'the call'. Oooo - I have goosebumps already!

In order to not wearout my welcome as a blog-stalker to others, I thought it would be constructive to have a back-up plan. And the list-lover that I am, I jotted down everything that flooded my head when I asked, "What needs to be done before we become a family of three?"

The results...

1. get loose photos into albums
2. create the nursery - slowly to stretch it out
3. move the family office
4. learn to knit (a baby blanket is the goal)
5. begin baby's lifebook
6. build a solidly stocked child's library
7. learn basic Amharic
8. reach out to more NY'ers who have adopted from Ethiopia
9. paint the hallway
10. re-do master bathroom/sink
11. kitchen backsplash installed (tiles are still sitting on the floor)
12. reorganize downstairs storage closet...making room for tricycle, stroller, carseat & all the bits :)
13. find a big fat plush rug for baby's room to cover hardwood floor
14. add a class at the gym (I need to be in shape for this little guy)
15. renew passport
16. maintain regular contact with blog friends (easy peezy!)
17. follow & support new families entering the adoption world
18. continue to assist with the humanitarian division of our agency
19. assist in the launch of a humanitarian project at work
20. read, read, read

Agencies & Ethics

Completely unacceptable.

This video is a clip from a recent story by Australian reporter Andrew Geoghegan, which aired last night on ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation). Mr. Geoghegan enlightens his viewers with the sickening corruption occuring in the adoption community by one of the most well-known agencies working in Ethiopia.

The agency: CWA - Christian World Adoption. (yes, that C stands for Christian)

It's difficult to watch and raises a lot of questions; many go unanswered. The gist - open your eyes when going into international adoption. What happens in this video can be avoided. It should also be noted that CWA is among many. They are by no means the only agency operating with such paltry ethics. They just happened to be the ones on Mr. Geoghegan's radar. It is our job as PAPs to put the rest of these pathetic agencies on his radar and shut them down before they end up shutting down the entire Ethiopian program because of their antics.

Kai has a rule, which is: I can only worry about the people living under THIS roof. This is what he says when there is drama...drama with a friend. drama with family. drama with job. ha! Pretty good rule, yes? Well, today I must step outside that rule and jump up & down waving my arms to worry for one little minute about all the families beginning their adoption agency research and shout to them "RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH YOUR AGENCY!" This is the biggest decision you will make in your life. Do not rush. Do not feel pressure. Do read the fine print.

You buy a house - you can move. You get married - you can get divorced (you shouldn't, but you can). You adopt - you can NOT leave your child. Again, this is the biggest decision you will make so take that into consideration when you select your agency. Think about how much time you spent on planning your wedding (six months? a year?) and then buying a house (another year?). I speak from first-hand knowledge. We started back at the beginning after leaving our first agency. A very reputable one, I might add. We felt we were chasing them for information and getting very little in return so we left everything behind and started researching all over again. It's worth it.

I'm well aware of the unwritten rules in this new world we've entered that include tight lips on the actions of agencies, so much so that some agencies have a gag clause in their contract. This clause carries over post-adoption and they will NOT hesitate to sue you, should you overstep. The outcome: you can't raise a valid concern publicly and they are allowed to continue with their ways. Why shouldn't your agency be transparent and have accountability?

There are many, many people all over the world performing amazing work for international adoption. The problem is that it is a business. It is not a charity. And when money is involved, especially when there is a demand for said business, all walks of life will try their hand.

I will wrap this up by stating this is our little blog. We are not here to change the world, but you better believe we will not stay quiet when more than one validated case of corruption involving innocent families and children crosses our path. It may not be the PC thing to do while blogging about your adoption story, but we have no problem calling out any agency that crosses the line to such corruption. It is shameless for any person to assist, negotiate or turn their head to such blatant injustice to innocent families and most of all, children.

Four Generations Celebrate a Birthday

My maternal grandfather, aka Poppy, shares a birthday with my lovely hubby. The short story? A good time was had by all this weekend.

I know I've used that line more than once in the past, but this weekend was the real deal. It was four generations getting together to celebrate the 90th (YES 9-0) birthday of Poppy. He has four daughters (one being my amazing mother) who rarely have the chance to get together and simply 'hang out'. Our family is spread out along the East Coast, not making for an easy, quick weekend get-together. Thank you Aunt Jill & Uncle John for hosting this bonanza :)

My mother, stepfather and toothless twin nephews drove a whopping 1,600 miles between Friday and Sunday, making the trek from GA to PA. Aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, nephews, nieces and girlfriends all came together for what really matters...family.

Kai and I have always had a strong sense of family since we met. We grew up so differently...country mouse v city mouse, my Brady Bunch-style large, blended family (and my mom's name is Carole!) to Kai's two child/two parent household...and the list goes on. The point is, your family is your family. Growing up, my close friends were even treated like family. My mom always made it clear her door was open, literally. Ours was the house with a constant flow of teenagers coming and going.

So the point of this, in addition to wishing a very Happy 90th to Poppy and a 3_ Bday to Kai is...anyone going through adoption realizes more & more, the value of family and friends. It's not something you focus on. It's something that will surface on its own at each stage of the process, shedding an interrogation-like light on the important people and relationships existing in your life.

Most of us live in a Tweeting, texting, Tivo'ing, take-out world that makes it too easy to put some things on the back burner. Adoption will shed a new light on the back burner and will make you realize what's really important in your oh-so-important and hectic life. One of these things is family; the ones who have always been there and will always be there...no matter where in the world they live.

Check out the coolest cake ever. My mom had this ordered for the music guru Mr. Kai, which we all devoured in the hotel room following the first round of festivities last night.

All the nephews. Hmmmm....call me crazy, but I think Theo may end up being a blonde.

Month Two

Yay!

Today is the anniversary of our second month on the wait list. As you can tell, we're still in the excited, naive stage of waiting. Check back on month 8 and you may sense a different tone to our blog!

According to Merriam-Webster, the official meaning of naive is marked by unaffected simplicity. Check. That's currently us.

So let's jump ahead to our anticipated state of being in six month's time. Their definition of stressball... painful uneasiness of mind. Sounds plausible.

And what are we doing on our second anniversary? Well, call us crazy but coincidentally we are meeting with a preschool this morning. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, I must preface this by saying we are not doing this to ensure our child is locked into a college prep daycare with yoga and french lessons prior to age two. (That one is already booked...ha!)

The real reason is because things operate a lot differently in the NYC area compared to other parts of the country. Where I grew up, it was very normal to just "sign on" for school during the month or two prior to school starting. Fortunately (and unfortunately) there are a plethora of options where we currently live and if your school of choice is not narrowed down in advance, you will miss the window of opportunity of getting your child on their wait list. (yes, one more wait in this process!) School wait lists can vary from 6 months to 18 months. So when you do the math, we're actually in the window now of creating our short list. And believe me, it feels just as crazy to us. However, it's certainly something that makes our waiting time a bit easier.

What to Ask the Birth Family?

In the event your child is relinquished (vs. abandoned), your agency may have some very valuable information to share with you. Agencies operate under their own protocol in international adoption. (There are agency rules and then there are country-specific rules). We have selected an agency who openly offers birth family information to adoptive parents, when made available to them.

That being said, should we be fortunate enough to know the birth family's location at the time of our referral, we are most definitely traveling a week (or so) prior to our assigned date. This will allow for sufficient time to visit any biological family members, take pictures and record "memories" for our child. These are all things that so many of us take for granted. I must say that I have gained a whole new respect for the baby book my parents created for me - and all since trying to figure out where to begin with ours.

Since reading everything I can get my hands on re: the psyche of the adopted child, I must say that the impact of having first-hand stories and accounts from the child's family and birth-village is invaluable. It offers insight to their roots, answers questions they may be afraid to ask and most of all gives a little bit of closure to a past they never knew.

So, I came across an online discussion on this very topic...What to ask the birth family? Some are ours, some are borrowed from others and of course we welcome more from any of you.

I'll start with two that were mentioned by a mother after-the-fact. Those are hard. The ones you can no longer ask because the moment has passed. You try to think of everything, but there are things that are certain to be overlooked. Hopefully this assists others - and we also welcome any input from those of you who have already walked down this road or simply have a suggestion.

1. What time was he born? (for his birth certificate)
2. How did you choose his name?
3. What do you hope for your child's future?
4. Any known family medical issues?
5. What is your favorite food? color?
6. What makes you laugh?
7. What scares you?
8. How big is your family?
9. Do you like the morning or the evening?
10. Is your entire family from Ethiopia?
11. What would you like your child to know about you?

Happy Birthday to you...Happy Bithday to you...

Happy Birthday, dear Kaaaa-iiiii. Happy Birthday to you!

We started with a little birthday coffee to get going and are heading out shortly for some birthday croissants on our morning birthday walk. Skipping ahead to the pm, a seafood dinner is in our future which will conclude the birthday celebrations. (and there may be a little birthday US Open squeezed in there too)

I would also like to give a shout out to Poppy, who is turning 90 today! We'll see you next weekend at the festivities. Also, our nephew Ryan is celebrating his big day today. Enjoy!

On this day in history, 9/6/1970, Jimi Hendrix held his last concert.

A few more notes of interest to this decade...

• the Billboard #1 song was "War" by Edwin Starr
• Richard Nixon was President (and met with Elvis in 1970)
• The Mary Tyler Moore show premieres on CBS (9/70)
• Top Box Office Movie was Love Story
• a loaf of bread cost $0.58
• NYC subway fare was $.30
• average college tuition $3,500 (MIT highest at $10k+)
• cost of a new home $26k+
• IBM introduces the "Floppy" disk for storage
• Frank Zappa, Miles Davis and Blood Sweat and Tears are top performers
• New words: preppie, hassle, fast-food, rip-off, Fortran, blahs, put down
• Top Selling Fiction: Love Story, Erich Segal
• Top Selling NonFiction: Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex but Were Afraid To Ask, David Reuben, M.D.
• Fashion/Art: mood rings, string art, leisure suits, bellbottoms, pet rocks and disco

Happy Bday!!!...xoxo

a little rant...

I'm allowed to rant, right?

When I follow blogs, I must say...the ones with "real life" personality are the ones that get me because I can connect to them. When you research adoption, whether your purpose is to find the right agency, country, medical research, general experiences, etc. - you're going to reach a point where you bang your head against the wall thinking, "How are all these people living every day of their lives in such harmony?" They are thankful for everything that came their way, happy to be in the dumps because tomorrow is another day and overall they're just happy to be alive.

My take? That's not life. Life isn't like that. This is only my opinion, but I rationalize that style of blogging through your international adoption because you feel eyes. You feel the eyes of your agency and you feel the eyes of the country you're adopting from. These eyes hold your future, not to mention a big part of your life savings. And yes, they both check in on occasion.

Maybe I'm wrong (and it's very possible) but I feel that if you choose to blog about your experience, you are opening yourself up to the entire world by putting it online and by doing so, it should a) give an accurate account of your experience for those interested enough to read your blog b) offer a clear and concise journey for your future child to reference and c) be honest to yourself and your family's values. Nobody expects us to be perfect. I hope anyway!

So, that's not even my rant. This is...

For the second time in the past year, I have seen a pregnant woman (teenager is a more accurate term) smoking. It took every fiber in my being not to walk over and strangle her. (fyi...that's what you're not suppose to write in case your agency or country is following your blog) As I exited the subway on my way home, a young woman about 7-8 months pregnant was leaning on the building smoking and texting someone. My stomach did a little flip and by instinct, I changed direction and started walking quickly in her direction to do something. And then I thought, what do I have to offer? Why is my interference going to change such a broken scenario?

I began to mind my own business and turn away, when suddenly I began thinking...I LOVE smoking but I quit!!! I quit b/c I wanted to have a baby. We even moved b/c we wanted to have a baby! Two years of IVF, four years of not smoking, deciding on adoption, fingerprinting out the wazoo and now waiting and waiting...and this carefree, pregnant girl who is about to give birth is by choice putting an otherwise healthy infant at risk and clearly bringing them into a world where they are already not number one in her mind. It sickens me.

And to see this twice, not cool at all.